Stress!

Talk about a stressful month! My son has apprarently been having seizures for quite sometime now, but not grand mal (the very obvious physical ones) but petit mal seizures. So we have been doing a crap ton of testing for him, including an MRI of his brain which was necessary because his EEG was abnormal in a very unsuspected way. The types of seizures he's having generally come from the frontal lobe of the brain, but instead are originating from the left side of the occipital lobe (back left side.) this was cause for concern, so we did the MRI. He had to be sedated for it, so my boy underwent general anesthesia for the first time too.

The MRI came back mostly normal. There is some evidence of scarring, but not where the seizures are happening so the neurologist isn't too concerned with the results.

The day after I got his MRI results I received a call about the mammogram I had the day before. They found something. I've been getting mammograms since for the past 5 years (since I was 35) because I have a strong family history of the disease. This is the second time I've been called back in, the first was just to repeat the first mammogram because they needed an extra angle since my breasts are big. This time it was much scarier because they actually found a mass on the mammogram. I was out of town with my son when I got the call, and had to wait over a long weekend before I could get in.

I went in this morning for mp the ultrasound, and they had the mammogram films hanging up for reference. The mass is tiny! It's no wonder I didn't feel anything in my monthly checks. So I spent about 30 nauseating minutes having my tit ultrasounded, then the doctor comes in to take a look too. Turns out the little fucker is just a cyst and should resolve on its own. So I'm fine, and I just have to go back in a year for a routine screening. Whew!

Tomorrow we leave on our family vacation to Disneyland and Star Wars Celebration. I can sure use the mindless fun!

Hopefully I'll be back and more active soon! Miss everyone!

Broken record

I feel like I'm sounding like a broken record, and so that's why I'm not posting much right now. Sir and I are doing great, connecting very well, but not sexually because of my stupid pain. I'm still taking the submissive workshop, but it feels like a colossal waste of time because it's geared towards beginners and I've been in the lifestyle for 20 years. I thought it would help me find a way to change things up, deepen my service, or give some ideas at least, but I spend most of the course saying to myself, "been there, done that."

Sir changed jobs at the end of last year, and the start up he's with is finally making enough to pay him, and provide insurance. (We'd been paying COBRA coverage from his last job that had amazing medical!) and we found out that all of the services our 8 year old son needs, occupational and speech therapies, are not covered under this new insurance because he's over 6. So according to them, as soon as a kid turns 6years and 1day old they are miraculously cured and no longer need the services that help them function. So we were left with the difficult decision of choosing which services he needs most right now since we can only afford to pay for one each week out of pocket. 

Top that off with having to pick little man up from school today because he was in full on crisis mode, I am completely spent, Sir is spent, and my kid is struggling. 

So between the pain and stress, there is little energy for kink, blogging, life... 

Hope to see you all around more often soon. Until then, I'm thinking about all of you who are struggling, and living vicariously through those of you who are in a happy, kinky place!

Workshop

Hi all! I'm still dealing with a crazy bad flare up, but I see my doc next week so hopefully it's only short term.
That said, I am so excited to be participating in a submissive workshop put on my Mr. Sinclair Sexsmith, called Submissive Playground. It is an eight week course online, with video chats and a one on one with Mr. Sexsmith. (I paid for the star tier of the course.) I'm so excited to be doing something subby. First video chat is Saturday morning, and the introvert in me is screaming for me to skip it, but the good sub in me is over ruling that, I will be there and I WILL participate, even if it is passively.
I'm looking forward to seeing what Sir chooses for my "sub token". He is going to choose a piece of jewelry, a journal, or some other trinket to either wear, have or use during the video sessions and homework. I'm so excited to see what it will be.

So even though the home fires are on low, in a holding pattern, however you want to say it...I am over the moon to be doing something that not only takes me out of my comfort zone, but also makes Sir proud of me.

Life keeps getting in the way.

Don't you hate it when your current life gets in the way of the life you want to be living?

I recently had a raise in my meds because of a long term flare up of IIH symptoms and losing even more sight. So with that came increased side effects that I'm still trying to get used to, and the flare up still isn't under control, so I expect that I will be seeing another increase in meds when I got back to my neuro-opthomalogist.

Top that off with a kid who is struggling, and I don't have any energy at the end of the day. I'm in constant pain most days, but unable to medicate until evening because I need to be coherent for my kid. (And able to drive him to appointments at least 3 days a week.) all of this leaves me with few to no spoons to be able to be my kinky self.

I am still serving the best way I can. My first rule is to put self care above everything except our son and I've been doing that. It's so hard to be honest with myself and with Sir about how I'm feeling. I want so much to take care of all of his needs, instead I find myself swallowing my pride and admitting that I'm low on spoons, and unable to do more than rest and take my pain medicine.

(For those who have no idea what I'm talking about when I say "spoons" here's a link to The Spoon Theory:  The Spoon Theory)

So that's where I've been, and what I've been up to. Not much other than one foot in front of the other. It will get better, for now it's an exercise in patience, and humility.

Goodbye 2014

I've got to be honest here, 2014 sucked. It sucked huge donkey dicks, and I am almost giddy that in 8 short hours it will be over. I'm not one for making New Years resolutions, but there are some things I'd really like to improve on for the coming year.

• I'd like to be more proactive about my health. Not just keeping better tabs on my chronic illnesses, but also eating healthier and moving my body more. Not to lose weight, or look better, but because I need to start being more kind to my body, it's the only one I have.
• I'd like to declutter my home. There is not a flat surface in my house that isn't covered in stuff. We live in a relatively large home, there is no excuse why two adults and an 8yo have so much shit that our home is busting at the seams.
• I'd like to deepen my submission. To better follow Sir's lead, and to reconnect to our dynamic. The workshop I've been waiting for finally opened registration again, and starts at the end of January. I am so excited to use what I learn there to better serve Sir and to feel more connected to my submission.
• I want to be a better and more proactive advocate and parent to my son. I have spent this past year in reactive mode, and that has to change. I'm watching for a couple of "Wright's Law" workshops to come back to my area so I can learn more about what my son's rights are in the school system and how to best advocate for him without falling back on emotion.

They are lofty goals, and they are vague for a reason. I don't want to add concrete steps in these goals because I feel that any progress I make toward each of them leaves me in a better place than I am today. And isn't that what resolutions are all about?

Oops

Well, I think today I was taught a big lesson in self care. I can not out everything before taking care of myself. I saw my neuro-ophthalmologist today and the appt wasn't so good. I last saw him in September to ask for my mess to be reduced since they had given me kidney stones, so that's what we did. Within a few days I was in pain, but just figured it was my body adjusting to the lower dose, so I just dealt with it. Now, 3 months later, my intracranial pressure is back up, and I've lost a lot more sight in my left eye. All of that coupled with level 6-7 head pain all except maybe 10 days in the last 3 months has made me pretty miserable.
I got scolded by both the doctor and my dear friend who went to the appt with me about waiting so long to tell him that my symptoms are back and bad. I'm expecting Sir will also have some stern words for me. I have learned my lesson, I swear. I can't be the best sub, the best mom, or friend unless I keep myself as healthy as possible. Putting off calling my doc when things are bad is NOT the way to do that.

Workshops

I have been looking for workshops for subbies, and I tell you, they are hard to find! The ones I do see are "let me train your slave for you workshops" and that's so far away from what I'm looking for.
Sir took a workshop a couple weeks ago for Doms, and got some really great take aways for improving our dynamic from a Dom point of view. I would love something similar for subbies. Where I could learn to deepen my submission, to talk about how to continue to grow as a sub even when chronic pain and illness is constantly a factor for me.

I want to make Sir happy, I want to feel like I'm doing my part. Right now I feel like I'm floundering, failing, and lost.

The thing that usually brings me around is a long, hard beating. Sex, meaner and rougher the better. But this year, my pain and other related illness has made those tactics almost impossible half the time. So how do I capture that feeling of service, of being owned when I can't be physical?