Goodbye 2014

I've got to be honest here, 2014 sucked. It sucked huge donkey dicks, and I am almost giddy that in 8 short hours it will be over. I'm not one for making New Years resolutions, but there are some things I'd really like to improve on for the coming year.

• I'd like to be more proactive about my health. Not just keeping better tabs on my chronic illnesses, but also eating healthier and moving my body more. Not to lose weight, or look better, but because I need to start being more kind to my body, it's the only one I have.
• I'd like to declutter my home. There is not a flat surface in my house that isn't covered in stuff. We live in a relatively large home, there is no excuse why two adults and an 8yo have so much shit that our home is busting at the seams.
• I'd like to deepen my submission. To better follow Sir's lead, and to reconnect to our dynamic. The workshop I've been waiting for finally opened registration again, and starts at the end of January. I am so excited to use what I learn there to better serve Sir and to feel more connected to my submission.
• I want to be a better and more proactive advocate and parent to my son. I have spent this past year in reactive mode, and that has to change. I'm watching for a couple of "Wright's Law" workshops to come back to my area so I can learn more about what my son's rights are in the school system and how to best advocate for him without falling back on emotion.

They are lofty goals, and they are vague for a reason. I don't want to add concrete steps in these goals because I feel that any progress I make toward each of them leaves me in a better place than I am today. And isn't that what resolutions are all about?

Oops

Well, I think today I was taught a big lesson in self care. I can not out everything before taking care of myself. I saw my neuro-ophthalmologist today and the appt wasn't so good. I last saw him in September to ask for my mess to be reduced since they had given me kidney stones, so that's what we did. Within a few days I was in pain, but just figured it was my body adjusting to the lower dose, so I just dealt with it. Now, 3 months later, my intracranial pressure is back up, and I've lost a lot more sight in my left eye. All of that coupled with level 6-7 head pain all except maybe 10 days in the last 3 months has made me pretty miserable.
I got scolded by both the doctor and my dear friend who went to the appt with me about waiting so long to tell him that my symptoms are back and bad. I'm expecting Sir will also have some stern words for me. I have learned my lesson, I swear. I can't be the best sub, the best mom, or friend unless I keep myself as healthy as possible. Putting off calling my doc when things are bad is NOT the way to do that.

Workshops

I have been looking for workshops for subbies, and I tell you, they are hard to find! The ones I do see are "let me train your slave for you workshops" and that's so far away from what I'm looking for.
Sir took a workshop a couple weeks ago for Doms, and got some really great take aways for improving our dynamic from a Dom point of view. I would love something similar for subbies. Where I could learn to deepen my submission, to talk about how to continue to grow as a sub even when chronic pain and illness is constantly a factor for me.

I want to make Sir happy, I want to feel like I'm doing my part. Right now I feel like I'm floundering, failing, and lost.

The thing that usually brings me around is a long, hard beating. Sex, meaner and rougher the better. But this year, my pain and other related illness has made those tactics almost impossible half the time. So how do I capture that feeling of service, of being owned when I can't be physical?

Thanksgiving

I hope you all had a fantastic thanksgiving! It was wonderful for us, we went to my inlaw's for the holiday where I always feel so taken care of. Wine was poured freely, and my sister in law even made me special food to help me avoid the food I'm allergic to, but also not feel like I was eating an entirely different dinner from everyone else. Gluten free stuffing, dairy free mashed potatoes... I was so spoiled.

My kid is going though huge struggles right now, we're trying to find the correct medication adjustment for him. It's tough, and being away from home was hard on him, but he did great. I'm so proud.

Sir gave me a writing assignment late last week that I missed the deadline on, luckily he was u dee standing with everything that was going on and gave me a few days to finish it. I had to write about weather or not I should keep this graphic and why:

I decided that I needed to keep it. It reminds me that my chronic pain condition isn't a little thing, it's a big huge thing. It robs me of so much, time, energy, self-worth. In the same breath it motivates me, makes me realize that if I can handle all of that, I can make it through anything. It reminds me that it's more than just pain, that I shouldn't let others down play it, and that I shouldn't either. It inspires me to live the life I want in spite of the pain and all that goes with it. 

I am not an invalid, far from, but I am also not superwoman. There is a lot I deal with daily, weekly, for years and years. I need to learn to take care of myself before I can take care of others. So that's what I wrote. I haven't gotten any feedback yet, but I'm sure I will soon.

Another flare up of pain started while we were away, so I am medicating and trying to remember self care. Sir did a seminar with other Doms and got some great ideas about how to keep our dynamic strong while I'm flaring, and I'm happy to say that the ideas have been wonderful so far. He has commanded more respect, and kept me in line better than in years. It's like he's no longer afraid to demand the service and respect that he is due. It has made my self esteem soar and made this flare up easier to deal with. 

Anyway, this has been terribly disjointed. I'm so out of practice writing. I'll try to be around more, miss it when I'm not here!

I fell off the face of the earth.

So much and so little has kept me away from blogland. Mostly it's been my health, but there have been some other things. Like the transition from Sir being gainfully employed to him working on "personal projects." Really he has a job, it's just not exactly a paying gig right now. So here we are, living off of savings, and COBRA insurance. With my health problems and my son's therapy appointments (he's high functioning ASD) we are paying out the butt for insurance that keeps us from being bankrupted by medical bills.

Personally, I've been sick for a few weeks. Either flared up in pain, or like right now, fighting of yet another cold/fever. It's getting really fucking old. I don't see my neuroopthomologist until Dec, and at that time if he can't figure out a better way to manage pain, I'm asking for a referral to the neurology group at the hospital. We'll see how it goes.

Another thing that has kept me away from here is a severe lack of kink. Like everything in life it ebbs and flows, and right now it's definitely low tide. Dynamic is in place mostly though, so I feel comfortable. We did manage to have sex a couple of days ago with a ton of orgasm control, and nipples that are still sore. Afterward I was dozing off while we were watching tv, and the sadist kept bumping me awake. Apparently sleep control is a new thing. Not that I'm complaining mind you.

I am also doing the research I need to start another blog where I will be researching and reporting on strains of marijuana, their usage, benefits and drawbacks. I also want to slowly introduce advocacy topics to encourage decriminalization and/or legalization in the rest of the country. It's my pet project and fully expect it will take me several months to get it up and running. I'm passionate about this cause, especially because it is the only thing that helps my pain during a flare up.

So that's what I've been up to. I'm going to try to catch up on everyone's blogs, but it might take me a while. Hugs to all!

Pain

So I've been either sick or in pain since basically June. I have a chronic pain condition that I've talked about before, and I had a few months over the summer that I dealt with kidney stones and the aftermath of those. So I've probably had about 2 weeks worth of really good days since June, all spread out over the months.

There has also been a huge amount of stress and transition in the last few months, and all of this has lead me to slack off here. Mostly not knowing what to wrote, or being able to write about what's going on. Still can't share a whole lot.

I'm in the middle of yet another pain flare up, and will likely be seeing a neurologist in the near future  to see if they can help with symptom control.

So all of this has me thinking. A bit tongue in cheek of course, but as a masochist why can't I find any enjoyment out of this chronic pain? LOL it's not a serious question, but damn it would be nice!

This past week I went to a couple of workshops at our local sex positive center. They classes were out on by Shay and Stefanos (http://www.stefanosandshay.com) and let me tell you, if you ever get a chance to have them teach you, take them up on it! They are not only both extremely hot, but their chemistry, dynamic, love and trust are truly amazing to witness.

I went to their predicament workshop, "It's a Trap!" and it was so much fun. It talks about playful scenes, ways to put some fun and interesting "traps" into your scenes. And then I went to their "Precipice" workshop. All about edge play. How to find your edges, both as a top and a bottom, how to push them, and what that might look like. The demonstrations were hot, intense, and made me look forward to putting that knowledge into practice.

I love that even though stress is high, and health is crappy right now, that Sir and I are finding ways to keep up our intimacy, and dynamic. It's been stronger since the workshops, and I am so thankful for that. His lead has really helped bring me through this time.

Oh! And since I haven't been able to wear my collar since it started affecting my cranial pressure, Sir bought me a new cuff from Wyred Slave. I love it so much!

That part

You know in the last entry, that part about no kink? Well, I spoke too soon. Sir and I talked last night, and I expressed the need for stress release, a beating, or sharps session, just something to take the tension away. I have been so anxious that I didn't think to ask for what I needed to ground me, to make me feel safe and taken care of. Until last night that is.
He ordered me to take a shower since I'd been neglecting my self care. When I came out he had the cane in his hand. I whimpered about how it was going to hurt because I was still wet from the shower, and he just nodded. And our evening started. A great caning where I came twice, followed by incredible sex.
Today? Today I feel like another person. I had friends over to watch football while Sir cleaned out the storage unit (he hates football.) Then there was some family time when I built Legos, my kid built some of his, and Sir played video games. Now I've had a couple of drinks, and I feel great. Calm, and at ease with the uncertainty of the future. I feel like as long as we are who we are, and our family and friends are behind us, that we'll make it through this hard time.
Hopefully this means I'll be around more. But since Sir is working two jobs until the end of the week, and then it will be push time with the new venture, I may or may not be around much. I do know that I'll try though. :)