I'm back but sick

The title says it all really. I'm back from a fabulous visit to family and the beach. But on my way home on Monday is started to feel crushing fatigue and the start of a bad pressure headache. Looks like I'm having a pretty bad flare up of IH. My head hurts, my eyes and neck hurt, and I can't lay all the way down because of pressure.

Sir is being so patient with me, and has me on self care protocol. I love him for actually putting that in writing as an expectation for me. It really makes it easier to care for myself without feeling guilty. Well, at least not *as* guilty.

I'm looking forward to fall, and especially the fall weather. My head does much better when it's not as hot and the barometric pressure is lower.

I'm going to try to catch up on everyone's blogs soon. Until then, have a great rest of your week!

Out of town

Hey everyone, just a quick update to let you guys know that I'm out of town with my little visiting family, so won't be around for a few days to post. I'm trying to read and comment when I have a few minutes, but it's not easy. Hope everyone is having a fantastic weekend!

Is kink a sexual orientation?

I just read this Slate article by Jillian Keenan which poses the question, is kink a sexual orientation? She makes an excellent argument for yes. There is one thing she writes that rings particularly true for me, "For years, I identified as bisexual because I’m sexually attracted to both men and women and have acted on that attraction. But in recent years, as I explored my own sexuality more, I’ve realized that’s not quite accurate. I’m not attracted to men or women as a group—I’m attracted to “tops,” or sexually dominant people, as a group; their gender is irrelevant. Many kinky people describe similar feelings." 
Here is a link to the article, what are your thoughts? 
http://www.slate.com/blogs/outward/2014/08/18/is_kink_a_sexual_orientation.html

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped my face hard
Shoving me against the wall, I felt my breath catch
Gasping
Feeling myself give in to him.

He throws me onto the bed and forces my mouth onto his cock
I struggle to take him into my mouth
Panting
Gasping
Moaning

When he tires of my mouth he pulls me off of him
His hand finds my throat again
I struggle to breath
His grasp pushes me into the bed
As his fingers push inside of me.

It is all so fast
The pain on my chest
On my throat
Inside of me.

I ask to come
Please
Yes

He forces himself into me
I'm not quite ready
It hurts
The pleasure and pain roll over me
He fucks me.
I'm his
To use
To own

I ask again
Yes

Then it's over.

Glowing

So hard

Why is it so hard to ask for what we need?

I swear it would be easier for me to chew off my own arm than it is for me to ask Sir to beat me. Sometimes I just need the release, sometimes it's the only way I can cry, or sleep, or function. But do I just come out and ask! No! That would be too embarrassing, not submissive enough. Ugh!

Last night we had a really heavy talk, the subject isn't important, but by the end of it I felt that need well up inside me. With Robin Williams' suicide (which I took strangely hard, maybe because I also suffer from depression and I understood it so well) and everything happening in Furguson, combined with my low level depression I needed to be hit.

So what do I do? I poke at Sir, pinch him, stick my tongue out at him. What I didn't do was ask.

He finally made me say the words. He made me ask. He made me say, "Sir will you beat me?"

And he did. The giant weighted paddle warmed my ass and thighs, he didn't go as light as usual with it, so I was yelling out at once.
Then came the cane, and I don't remember much after that. I fell asleep between implements because my brain was finally quiet.

There was no sex, just the beating. He left me to relax and enjoy my quiet mind.

Today I have felt better than I have in weeks. Hopefully next time I will just ask. Especially since Sir told me that if I don't, and I try to instigate it again I'll be finding myself writing lines or holding quarters to the wall.

Home again.

Well today was back to my usual routine. I missed my guys so much, even though it was so good to get a way for a while. My tattoo is healing beautifully, and has already started itching. Sir loves it almost as much as I do, though he leaves all body modification decisions (except my lip piercing that I want) up to me. My tattoos have such an emotional connection for me, that he wants me to have complete control over them.

Unfortunately we both slept terribly last night, so there will be no playing tonight. Probably for the best, it's so damn hot here today. And the humidity is just gross!

Weekend and new tattoo

This weekend has been so healing. Tattoo work is so cleansing to my soul, the depression that has plagued me for the past month and a half has lifted for at least the time being. I'll take it.

I spent the day with a lot of my favorite people, not all, but most. It's always amazing to me how friends that I've known almost all of my life can be so far away and we can pick up like a day hasn't passed since I was with them last. We had a great time today getting tattooed together, talking, eating and drinking. It was great to catch up even though it didn't feel like catching up, more like hanging out like we saw each other yesterday.

My tattoo artist, who is my best friend's husband, is amazing. He always takes my ideas and makes them better. He doesn't do flash work, rather you give him an idea of what you're looking for and he makes a piece of art that is all yours.

I gave him two pictures of what I had in mind, a little of each, and he just seemed to know what I had visualized in my mind. It came out perfect. I wanted a filigree humming bird with his tail morphing into a flower that it was feeding from. A symbol of life, self reliance, playfulness, resilience, and an end to negativity. Seeing this piece will remind me of the things I need to remember about myself to stay positive even when I'm at my lowest. I love my life, I am resilient, playful and the negative self talk needs to end.

I got it on my left thigh because the left side of the body is the side of the heart. It is a further reminder to take all of those meanings to heart.

My thighs are a part of my body I am less proud of, but I am learning to love my body and all of its perfect imperfections. That is why I decided on my thigh. A perfect reminder that my body is beautiful no matter their size or perceived imperfections.

Here is another list that tells about the symbolism of hummingbirds:
Hummingbird Meaning

The hummingbird generally symbolizes joy and playfulness, as well as adaptability. Additional symbolic meanings are:
Lightness of being
Enjoyment of life
Being more present
Independence
Bringing playfulness and joy in your life
Lifting up negativity
Swiftness, ability to respond quickly
Resiliency, being able to travel great distances tirelessly


And here is the picture. I am in love with this piece. #21 is perfect!

Getting Away

I'm sitting here watching cartoons with my kid, and counting down the minutes to Friday. I'm taking a short weekend away to go see some friends in my hometown, and get some ink. The time between now and when I get onto the freeway couldn't go fast enough.

Tattooing is incredibly healing for me. The pain is a release of stress and emotion, and I'm so lucky to have an artist who understands that and creates a safe environment for those feelings to flow. I need it so much right now.

My submission seems to be finding the rails again, slowly but surely. Now that I have my rules and protocol documents where I can read them daily, I feel like I have more direction. More than that, I don't feel like self care is taking away from my submission but rather adding to it. I am to take good care of Sir's prized possession.

On that self care list is periodic time away. This weekend will refresh me, and help center me. I can not wait!

Sir and I stayed up talking into the wee hours last night, and it started rough. He questioned me about how I was doing, about my latest depression, that he is worried about me. Then I got defensive and said, "you should at least tie me up if you're going to interrogate me, so then at least it would be kinky."

Well that went over about as well as you might imagine. No, I didn't get tied up. Instead I got put into lecture posture, sitting straight, feet flat on the floor, hands resting to my sides, chin parallel to the floor. Then I was lectured about how I am to remember to speak to Sir with respect at all times, that my mood may not affect that.

He's right, and if I'm honest with myself, this behavior just makes me feel worse. My submission has been floundering for a while now, and I'm not sure how to get it back on track. When I am struggling like this, I need more structure than ever, but we are so busy with things that have nothing to do with us that the structure has crumbled a bit. It's a conversation we need to have, but I'm not sure I can have it without being defensive and accusatory and basically disrespectful.

This subbie needs to find her big girl panties and just do better.