Sir and I stayed up talking into the wee hours last night, and it started rough. He questioned me about how I was doing, about my latest depression, that he is worried about me. Then I got defensive and said, "you should at least tie me up if you're going to interrogate me, so then at least it would be kinky."
Well that went over about as well as you might imagine. No, I didn't get tied up. Instead I got put into lecture posture, sitting straight, feet flat on the floor, hands resting to my sides, chin parallel to the floor. Then I was lectured about how I am to remember to speak to Sir with respect at all times, that my mood may not affect that.
He's right, and if I'm honest with myself, this behavior just makes me feel worse. My submission has been floundering for a while now, and I'm not sure how to get it back on track. When I am struggling like this, I need more structure than ever, but we are so busy with things that have nothing to do with us that the structure has crumbled a bit. It's a conversation we need to have, but I'm not sure I can have it without being defensive and accusatory and basically disrespectful.
This subbie needs to find her big girl panties and just do better.
I am just catching up on your last few entries, sorry you have not been feeling well...i had a horrid health problems year last year....i can sympathize. It is so hard when when you wrapped up in your own misery to have a submissive mindset...add to that He is being extra nice..and well...i get it. Hmmm..lecture position...do not think i will mention that one to Master...
ReplyDeletehugs abby
Thank you Abby, I have chronic health issues that we deal with. Sometimes when they flare up it brings a bout of depression with it. And I get grumpy when I feel so bad, just need to remember to remain respectful when that happens. :)
DeleteHugs, I hope you start feeling better, hon. I know it's very hard when you start feeling like your submission is off track like this. I think we all have, or find that we go through similar feelings at times. We're all here to support and listen. My email is always open if I can help. I understand chronic pain as well, for I live with it daily myself. When the pain management doctor told us that mine would never get better, only worse as I get older - boy I felt depressed and had such a hard time wrapping my mind around it.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs. xxoo
Actually Amber you have already helped. I asked Sir to read your rules because he's been having a hard time with writing mine to account for chronic illness etc. After reading yours he was able to lay the foundation I so desperately needed. So now, even though I'm still dealing with a flare up, I still feel like I am honoring him and my submission to him but doing self care as it is spelled out in my new shiny rules. So thank you for posting yours and for the offer to be there if I needed someone. :)
Deletexoxo
Hum, blogger seemed to eat my comment there! So, if you get two comments like this, I apologize! lol I had said - that I am so very glad hon. I know that structure and the rules help me so much. I remember how it was back in the day before them, and I always felt so out of place! So glad the rules I follow are helping you both out with this. And you are very, very welcome doll. :) Hugs! xxoo
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