Why is it so hard to ask for what we need?
I swear it would be easier for me to chew off my own arm than it is for me to ask Sir to beat me. Sometimes I just need the release, sometimes it's the only way I can cry, or sleep, or function. But do I just come out and ask! No! That would be too embarrassing, not submissive enough. Ugh!
Last night we had a really heavy talk, the subject isn't important, but by the end of it I felt that need well up inside me. With Robin Williams' suicide (which I took strangely hard, maybe because I also suffer from depression and I understood it so well) and everything happening in Furguson, combined with my low level depression I needed to be hit.
So what do I do? I poke at Sir, pinch him, stick my tongue out at him. What I didn't do was ask.
He finally made me say the words. He made me ask. He made me say, "Sir will you beat me?"
And he did. The giant weighted paddle warmed my ass and thighs, he didn't go as light as usual with it, so I was yelling out at once.
Then came the cane, and I don't remember much after that. I fell asleep between implements because my brain was finally quiet.
There was no sex, just the beating. He left me to relax and enjoy my quiet mind.
Today I have felt better than I have in weeks. Hopefully next time I will just ask. Especially since Sir told me that if I don't, and I try to instigate it again I'll be finding myself writing lines or holding quarters to the wall.
I wander if it's hard to ask because there is that fear of getting refused, it took me a while to feel comfortable asking, and my Master took the approach that until I asked there would be no beatings......what!!!! lol it got me motivated.
ReplyDeleteNow im ok with it, prefer it when he just takes it upon himself to beat me, but I will ask, and im even ok if i get a "no"...ok thats a lie...i might sulk for a bit, but if i act out to get a beating, he will walk away, he doesnt like that and will refuse me his attention rather than give me what im wanting.
x
I think that's part of it, fear of denial is huge. A lot has to do with the fact that I'm still learning to embrace the fact that I'm a masochist, and that it doesn't mean I'm broken.
DeleteIt is so hard to ask!
ReplyDeleteIt surely is, but I asked today. Go me!
DeleteOh yea...Poking instead of asking. I get it!
ReplyDeleteTurns out Sir doesn't like to be poked. :)
ReplyDeleteSo I'm trying to use my big girl words more often.
I am with you...i find it so difficult to ask...and Master loves for me to ask. I have taken small steps towards being better.....hopefully we will both get better at it.
ReplyDeletehugs abby
I am still trying to figure out how to follow you lol....but I wanted to say you are not alone in this feeling. My partner and I both have troubles asking for what we need. We are switches with each other, and I even as a masochist have a hard time asking for her to beat me.
ReplyDeleteI get to the point where I cannot sleep or function either. I just need the Dominance and control taken from me. So instead I poke at her. Misbehave and become overly bratty to catch her attention which normally gets me in trouble and then I STILL dont get beat lol!
I completely feel you!
DeleteYou can follow me via the "follow me by email" link on the right side of the page. If you use an RSS feed there is a follow button also on the right side. :)