Depression Lies

So if you read my last (first) post you probably know that I have been struggling lately. I have been bitten by the depression bug following two months of increased problems with my health and issues with my son.

You see, I have a chronic condition that causes chronic pain. It's called Idiopathic Intercranial Hypertension. It used to be caused pseudotumor ceribri because the symptoms mimic a brain tumor. But basically what it means is that my body produces too much cerebral spinal fluid, and that in turn puts pressure on my brain and optic nerves. I'm not writing about this to get sympathy or anything. I was diagnosed two and a half years ago, it's just part of my life. I bring it up to give a little bit of history, or insight into things that affect my dynamic with Sir.

In the last 5 weeks I have had two surgeries because of kidney stones. The cause of the kidney stones? The medication I take to control my IIH. Go figure.

Of course now I'm dealing with the aftermath of the shit storm that Was June, and it's caused me to fall into depression.

Depression lies. It tells me that I'm worthless, ugly, that Sir only pretends to want to be in this dynamic because he's trying to please me. That he gets nothing out of it, that I'm selfish for asking. Depression makes me question my submission. Am I submissive enough? Am I a disappointment to Sir?

Because of this, I struggle in my submission, to be respectful, to do what is expected of me. And do you know what Sir does? He loves me. He punishes me when I misstep (holy cow clothes pins on my tongue hurt! Must remember not to be so damn sassy!) Sir beats me, scratches me, bites me, helps me release some of the pent of emotion that I can't get out any other way.

Even though depression lies, there is one lie I will never believe. I will never believe the one that tells me that he doesn't love me. Instead I choose to believe that he will always love me and nothing can ever change that.