Today in order to take a bit of a break from all the depressing writing I've been doing, I decided to choose one of the Submissive Journal Prompts from Submissiveguide.com.
Here is the prompt I chose for today:

If SM is a part of your dynamic explain how pain works for you. Is it a sexual turn on, a healing release, a spiritual moment, a session of giving?

Short answer, yes. But that doesn't make for an interesting read does it?

I identify as a masochist, pain is a vital part of my life. Not only sexually, but mentally, and spiritually as well. It is also a gift that I give to Sir since he is an evil, mean, scary sadist. When I get "the look" from him I not only feel a twinge of panic, but I also feel instantly wet, and my nerves calm.

I have never been the soft kisses and gentle embraces kind of person. The quickest way to get me into the mood is to cause me pain, grab my hair, slap my face, grasp me by the throat and push me up against the wall. Any of those will take my breath away and I am instantly ready to accommodate Sir in any way he wants. So I would say that SM is a vital part of my sexual life. I can have sex without pain, and even though I orgasm I am left feeling incomplete. Like when you can't finish your yawn.

Pain as a healing release? Oh my yes! Nothing is quite as freeing as a great beating or an intense sensation play scene. For my entire life I have kept my emotions locked inside, not because I was told I had to, but because that's just who I am at my core. I do not tolerate weakness in myself, I do not ever admit weakness to others, so giving up control of what happens to my body is incredibly freeing.  Add pain to that and I come out of a scene relaxed, unstressed and ready to face the next challenge. It is especially healing when I am stuck in a depressive cycle, it gives me the ability to cry, to scream, to feel. The pain of an intense caning, or whatever also gives me a chance to celebrate what my body can handle. Being a person with chronic illness I spend a lot of time thinking of how my body is failing and falling apart. An intense scene where my limits are stretched, where I am pushed up and sometimes past them is an example of what my body can do, what my mind can tolerate, how strong I really am. It is incredibly healing to me.

As far as spiritually? Well I am a spiritual person, and everything I do in my life celebrates that so yes, SM is a spiritual exercise for me as well. It enhances the bond between Sir and I, we get closer with every scene, our marriage is strengthened by the trust that we put into each other.

Finally, yes I do feel as though my masochism is a gift that I give to Sir, as is my submission. Though he'd be the first to tell you how much I hate that idea, it is true. I have always viewed his dominance and his sadism as a gift to me, but shied away from the idea that what I do for him was a gift. I'm not sure why that is. But sometime around last Christmas he told me that our SM and D/s is a give that we give to each other. I remind myself of that each day. We meet each other's needs, his to dominate and to cause pain, and mine to serve and to be hurt. A match made in heaven.