"I understand."

So the past five or six days I've been too unwell to do much more than care for our son and the house. I've managed to have dinner either cooked or very nearly done by the time Sir came home from work each night this week, but by kiddo's bedtime I am exhausted and really uncomfortable.

Last month I had surgery to break up some kidney stones, but they haven't passed. One piece of gravel and one time grain of sand is all. So I'm pretty sure when I have my follow up in 2.5 weeks I'll be told the stones are still in there and I'll need another surgery. Or even worse, I'll pass the large stone before then.

So basically, I haven't been well enough to service Sir sexually in about a week, and I feel awful. He is always so patient when one of my health conditions flare up, but it makes me feel like I'm not doing my job. Like I should be able to buck up and take care of him like I am meant to.

Tonight he was getting a handle for a new implement that we bought on Our Saturday night date, but have been unable to try out yet. It's kind of a hard foam(?) baton. It packed quite a thuddy wallop on my calf when he picked it out. Anyway, I asked him if he would mind giving me a few quick whacks with it, I was curious what it would feel like.

Sir agreed, so I took my place on the bed, face down, bare ass up. He smacked me several times with the new toy, and it was... Interesting. I really liked it, but the sensation was so unlike anything we have used before. It was almost like a cross between a deerskin flogger and a cane. A very thuddy cane I suppose. It was heavy and warm, but with the hint of the cold bite of a cane.

After several strokes he wandered into the closet, where we keep the impact toys, and came out with the cane. I said, "wait..." but bit off in mid sentence. Sir asked me what I was going to say, and so I told him. "I was going to say, wait, I didn't ask for that. But it doesn't really matter what I asked for does it?" He chuckled and replied with a quick "nope"just as the first cane strike hit me. It felt wonderful. That icy hot pain.

I am proud that I managed to remain relatively quiet since the windows of our master bath were open, didn't want the neighbors calling the police or anything.

When Sir was finished with my caning, he rubbed my sore bottom and I apologized again for not being up to more. He said, "there is no need to be sorry, but I understand why you feel like you need to say it." That sentence spoke volumes to me about how much Sir cares for me. That he understands that I have limits sometimes and they aren't by choice, but by circumstance.

Ugh

Someday, hopefully really soon, I'll be well enough again to get laid! I miss the feeling of His cane across my ass and thighs. I desperately want to feel the prickle of the pinwheel across my skin (BTW Paul Scott makes the best sensation toys ever!) to feel his whip crack across my shoulders.

Instead I'm on self care protocol until I'm feeling myself, which I need but don't want. I was honest though, I am too exhausted to be an effective sub/bottom tonight. (Or any night for the past few days.)

Bestie Date Night

Last night was a ton of fun, but it also showed me what an incredible introvert I really am. I went to dinner and then to see Book of Mormon (hilarious by the way) with one of my best friends, her husband, and two other couples. So I was the 7th wheel?

Everyone was really kind, and inclusive, I really appreciated how how everyone tried to include me in the conversation at dinner. I was not so good at joining however, I'm not only an introvert, I'm shy as well. I'm also terrible at small talk.

The food was delicious, though it was difficult to find something on the menu for me to eat. I have several dietary restrictions, and I've grown up thinking I don't like fish. The restaurant was a fish restaurant. One of the other couples apologized, saying they didn't know that I didn't eat fish. It was a sweet thought, but really, choosing a restaurant for seven people you're bound to have someone who isn't thrilled with the menu. I did however, taste my friend's black bass and I think I may have been cheating myself all these years, because it was amazing!

After dinner we went to the show, and I laughed so hard I was sorry I wasn't wearing adult diapers! I have decided to buy a season pass to the theater group so I can enjoy 5 more musicals over the next year.

By the time I got home I was so tired I could hardly keep my eyes open. Sir thought I was mad at him because I was  a bit snippy, but it was just because all I could think about was laying down. I did my piercing aftercare and went up to bed, no night time snack (which is super unusual for me) and just enjoyed the quiet.

It dawned on me this morning that the reason I was so exhausted was because being around so many people drained me. Especially people I didn't know well. I am a true introvert, through and through. I am happy to be by myself for days and days, it is recharging to me.

Date night

Date night was a screaming success. Sir and I had dinner, got pierced at our favorite piercing studio, and then had drinks and great conversation. The only down side was that my lobes weren't quite ready to stretch to 0g yet. I'm looking at another 2-3 months before I can stretch safely. Oh well, that's why I chose to let a professional do most of my stretches.

Now I'm super drunk, and hoping that any typos were caught. If not, sorry. Jameson has taken me over. :)

The conch is new, everything else is old news. :)

Lessons

Sometimes I'm a slow learner. Like years and years slow.

I was reminded of two lessons last night. First, do not cover myself and try to take the tiny flogger from Sir, even if I can't stand the sensation of my nipples and breast being rapidly smacked with it over and over anymore. Best to suck it up buttercup, because it only means that I will have to endure it longer and harder. Second, do not run away from the "pointy shocky thing." Sir will be very cross and I will end up having to lay perfectly still while he decided how many, if any shocks I am to receive.

The "pointy shocky thing" also taught me a new lesson. That, like grief, for me there are five stages of submission. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Well, in very specific circumstances anyway.
The moment Sir brings that toy out I start saying, "no, no, no" getting louder each time. Now for me, bargaining comes next, "but I'm a good girl, I promise to be better, please?"
SHOCK!
"Ouchie!"
Then I get angry, I growl and hiss.
SHOCK!
"Ow son of a bitch!"
SHOCK
The next step I'll call disobedience instead of depression. This is usually where I move and contort my body in any way to get away. I even locked myself in the bathroom once, NOT A GOOD IDEA. Did you know that if you do that, you actually have to come out at some point, and that's never good.
That's when I hear, "get back here. Lay down, don't move."
I lay down next to Sir where he tells me to be "absolutely still," his voice calm but extremely firm.
I keep myself as still as I'm able, waiting for the inevitable shock, or shocks that I know I'm about to get for defiance. Sir runs the "pointy shocky thing" over my skin, pulls it back, and goes in for the shock. It doesn't come. "Good Girl." He puts the toy away, and I relax. Whew!

Pet Peeve

I have a huge pet peeve that has been poked at a lot in the past few days. My peeve? The assumption/assertion that people, especially submissive women, in the BDSM community are some how broken. That masochism, and/or submission are somehow caused by mental illness on their part.
It really got on my nerves when I sat down to watch Secretary last night. Ok, so it is 15 years old, and times and views have changed a bit since then, but the backstory of the female Lee being mentally ill before discovering her submissive/masochist side just makes me want to scream! Why are we always portrayed as needing saved? Or mentally ill? Or abused? You get what I'm saying, right?

Today on the Official Laci Green Facebook page had a status that read, "omg i cant wait until Fifty Shades of Grey comes out & spreads wildly inaccurate info about BDSM to millions of teens!!!!!!!!!!!!" Which I totally agree with, but it was the comments that made me so angry. So many of them were the same old shit, "why would anyone let a man do that to them? Are they so broken? Mentally ill?" Etc. I have to admit that I joined in the discussion replying to the misinformed people until I remembered that arguing with people in a comment thread is a losing war. 

A small note about 50 Shades, all I know about the books is what I've heard from both vanilla friends and friends in the community. I tried reading the first book but couldn't get past the first two chapters because of the amazingly terrible writing. So other than what I've heard about how it is a poor example of a healthy BDSM relationship, I can't offer an opinion.

I have been on public protocol all day, and will continue to be until Wednesday night. We decided to take our son on a trip to an indoor water park and we are sharing a hotel room with him. Boo! Kind of wish these "suites" actually had a bedroom with a door on them.

Anyway, we were given a pair of "costume ears" at check in, you know, the kind on a headband? Well my son didn't want them, so I decided to wear them. And I have been strangely turned on by them all day. It's weird since I've only ever been into light pet play, but I think I could get more into it. I like the soft and soothing demeanor Sir has with me durning pet play, but I can see how he's still be stern in his training. The thought is a turn on. 

Sitting on our bed after our son was asleep, Sir pet my head lovingly and I almost fell asleep. I am starting to see the allure to things like the ears that are controlled by brain waves and now I desperately want them. 

Anyway, have a great week everyone!

Date night and body mods.

A week from today is date night, and I'm so excited! We've decided to visit our local piercing shop and get some new holes put in our bodies. Sir has decided to get his lobes done, he's probably going to do 10g to start so that stretching goes fast once they're healed.

I am going to get my lobes stretched from 2g to 0g, and something else but I'm having trouble deciding. I REALLY want a microdermal on my chest, just below my throat. But I may also go with an 8g or 10g conch. I just can't make up my mind. I wanted to get "spider bites" but Sir said no since it would put my mouth out of commission for at least 4-6 weeks.

Decisions, decisions... I'm open to opinions and/or suggestions. :)

While we're at the shop we'll be asking if they know of anyone local, or at least in the state that does magnetic finger implants since we both really want one.
Here's some info on them: Magnetic Finger Implants

Today in order to take a bit of a break from all the depressing writing I've been doing, I decided to choose one of the Submissive Journal Prompts from Submissiveguide.com.
Here is the prompt I chose for today:

If SM is a part of your dynamic explain how pain works for you. Is it a sexual turn on, a healing release, a spiritual moment, a session of giving?

Short answer, yes. But that doesn't make for an interesting read does it?

I identify as a masochist, pain is a vital part of my life. Not only sexually, but mentally, and spiritually as well. It is also a gift that I give to Sir since he is an evil, mean, scary sadist. When I get "the look" from him I not only feel a twinge of panic, but I also feel instantly wet, and my nerves calm.

I have never been the soft kisses and gentle embraces kind of person. The quickest way to get me into the mood is to cause me pain, grab my hair, slap my face, grasp me by the throat and push me up against the wall. Any of those will take my breath away and I am instantly ready to accommodate Sir in any way he wants. So I would say that SM is a vital part of my sexual life. I can have sex without pain, and even though I orgasm I am left feeling incomplete. Like when you can't finish your yawn.

Pain as a healing release? Oh my yes! Nothing is quite as freeing as a great beating or an intense sensation play scene. For my entire life I have kept my emotions locked inside, not because I was told I had to, but because that's just who I am at my core. I do not tolerate weakness in myself, I do not ever admit weakness to others, so giving up control of what happens to my body is incredibly freeing.  Add pain to that and I come out of a scene relaxed, unstressed and ready to face the next challenge. It is especially healing when I am stuck in a depressive cycle, it gives me the ability to cry, to scream, to feel. The pain of an intense caning, or whatever also gives me a chance to celebrate what my body can handle. Being a person with chronic illness I spend a lot of time thinking of how my body is failing and falling apart. An intense scene where my limits are stretched, where I am pushed up and sometimes past them is an example of what my body can do, what my mind can tolerate, how strong I really am. It is incredibly healing to me.

As far as spiritually? Well I am a spiritual person, and everything I do in my life celebrates that so yes, SM is a spiritual exercise for me as well. It enhances the bond between Sir and I, we get closer with every scene, our marriage is strengthened by the trust that we put into each other.

Finally, yes I do feel as though my masochism is a gift that I give to Sir, as is my submission. Though he'd be the first to tell you how much I hate that idea, it is true. I have always viewed his dominance and his sadism as a gift to me, but shied away from the idea that what I do for him was a gift. I'm not sure why that is. But sometime around last Christmas he told me that our SM and D/s is a give that we give to each other. I remind myself of that each day. We meet each other's needs, his to dominate and to cause pain, and mine to serve and to be hurt. A match made in heaven.

Depression Lies

So if you read my last (first) post you probably know that I have been struggling lately. I have been bitten by the depression bug following two months of increased problems with my health and issues with my son.

You see, I have a chronic condition that causes chronic pain. It's called Idiopathic Intercranial Hypertension. It used to be caused pseudotumor ceribri because the symptoms mimic a brain tumor. But basically what it means is that my body produces too much cerebral spinal fluid, and that in turn puts pressure on my brain and optic nerves. I'm not writing about this to get sympathy or anything. I was diagnosed two and a half years ago, it's just part of my life. I bring it up to give a little bit of history, or insight into things that affect my dynamic with Sir.

In the last 5 weeks I have had two surgeries because of kidney stones. The cause of the kidney stones? The medication I take to control my IIH. Go figure.

Of course now I'm dealing with the aftermath of the shit storm that Was June, and it's caused me to fall into depression.

Depression lies. It tells me that I'm worthless, ugly, that Sir only pretends to want to be in this dynamic because he's trying to please me. That he gets nothing out of it, that I'm selfish for asking. Depression makes me question my submission. Am I submissive enough? Am I a disappointment to Sir?

Because of this, I struggle in my submission, to be respectful, to do what is expected of me. And do you know what Sir does? He loves me. He punishes me when I misstep (holy cow clothes pins on my tongue hurt! Must remember not to be so damn sassy!) Sir beats me, scratches me, bites me, helps me release some of the pent of emotion that I can't get out any other way.

Even though depression lies, there is one lie I will never believe. I will never believe the one that tells me that he doesn't love me. Instead I choose to believe that he will always love me and nothing can ever change that.

Something's in the Air

I know a lot of people who have been struggling emotionally lately, there must be something in the air. Public proclamations of mental health struggles, physical and family struggles are all over my social media right now.

Instead of joining the ranks of my friends on FB and twitter I have stayed silent. I have offered my support to friends, but haven’t mentioned my own struggles.

I am also in a dark place right now. But I feel as though I can't share it with FB friends because I feel like I’m jumping on the bandwagon. Like because my recent struggles are very likely situational, that I don’t deserve to whine about it. About how tired I am, how sad I feel, about how getting out of bed is a struggle that I only overcome because of my sense of obligation to my son and family. I don’t mention that being with my friends who I love dearly is hard for me, because I feel as though I need to be positive, and smiling, and entertaining. That I can’t figure out a way to exist with my physical pain, my son’s struggles, my husband’s joy. I can’t put out there that the best way for me to deal with these struggles is to experience physical pain, that the sensation of my skin being scraped and torn by the claw, or the release of control when I feel the cane strike is the only grounding I have right now. I feel no one would understand, or worse yet think that I have no reason to feel this way. That I should get over it.

I can clearly see how lucky I am to have friends, and family who are amazing and who love me. I can clearly see that things could be so much worse. But I am still sad.

Who am I to complain though? Must just be something in the air.