Goodbye 2014

I've got to be honest here, 2014 sucked. It sucked huge donkey dicks, and I am almost giddy that in 8 short hours it will be over. I'm not one for making New Years resolutions, but there are some things I'd really like to improve on for the coming year.

• I'd like to be more proactive about my health. Not just keeping better tabs on my chronic illnesses, but also eating healthier and moving my body more. Not to lose weight, or look better, but because I need to start being more kind to my body, it's the only one I have.
• I'd like to declutter my home. There is not a flat surface in my house that isn't covered in stuff. We live in a relatively large home, there is no excuse why two adults and an 8yo have so much shit that our home is busting at the seams.
• I'd like to deepen my submission. To better follow Sir's lead, and to reconnect to our dynamic. The workshop I've been waiting for finally opened registration again, and starts at the end of January. I am so excited to use what I learn there to better serve Sir and to feel more connected to my submission.
• I want to be a better and more proactive advocate and parent to my son. I have spent this past year in reactive mode, and that has to change. I'm watching for a couple of "Wright's Law" workshops to come back to my area so I can learn more about what my son's rights are in the school system and how to best advocate for him without falling back on emotion.

They are lofty goals, and they are vague for a reason. I don't want to add concrete steps in these goals because I feel that any progress I make toward each of them leaves me in a better place than I am today. And isn't that what resolutions are all about?

Oops

Well, I think today I was taught a big lesson in self care. I can not out everything before taking care of myself. I saw my neuro-ophthalmologist today and the appt wasn't so good. I last saw him in September to ask for my mess to be reduced since they had given me kidney stones, so that's what we did. Within a few days I was in pain, but just figured it was my body adjusting to the lower dose, so I just dealt with it. Now, 3 months later, my intracranial pressure is back up, and I've lost a lot more sight in my left eye. All of that coupled with level 6-7 head pain all except maybe 10 days in the last 3 months has made me pretty miserable.
I got scolded by both the doctor and my dear friend who went to the appt with me about waiting so long to tell him that my symptoms are back and bad. I'm expecting Sir will also have some stern words for me. I have learned my lesson, I swear. I can't be the best sub, the best mom, or friend unless I keep myself as healthy as possible. Putting off calling my doc when things are bad is NOT the way to do that.

Workshops

I have been looking for workshops for subbies, and I tell you, they are hard to find! The ones I do see are "let me train your slave for you workshops" and that's so far away from what I'm looking for.
Sir took a workshop a couple weeks ago for Doms, and got some really great take aways for improving our dynamic from a Dom point of view. I would love something similar for subbies. Where I could learn to deepen my submission, to talk about how to continue to grow as a sub even when chronic pain and illness is constantly a factor for me.

I want to make Sir happy, I want to feel like I'm doing my part. Right now I feel like I'm floundering, failing, and lost.

The thing that usually brings me around is a long, hard beating. Sex, meaner and rougher the better. But this year, my pain and other related illness has made those tactics almost impossible half the time. So how do I capture that feeling of service, of being owned when I can't be physical?

Thanksgiving

I hope you all had a fantastic thanksgiving! It was wonderful for us, we went to my inlaw's for the holiday where I always feel so taken care of. Wine was poured freely, and my sister in law even made me special food to help me avoid the food I'm allergic to, but also not feel like I was eating an entirely different dinner from everyone else. Gluten free stuffing, dairy free mashed potatoes... I was so spoiled.

My kid is going though huge struggles right now, we're trying to find the correct medication adjustment for him. It's tough, and being away from home was hard on him, but he did great. I'm so proud.

Sir gave me a writing assignment late last week that I missed the deadline on, luckily he was u dee standing with everything that was going on and gave me a few days to finish it. I had to write about weather or not I should keep this graphic and why:

I decided that I needed to keep it. It reminds me that my chronic pain condition isn't a little thing, it's a big huge thing. It robs me of so much, time, energy, self-worth. In the same breath it motivates me, makes me realize that if I can handle all of that, I can make it through anything. It reminds me that it's more than just pain, that I shouldn't let others down play it, and that I shouldn't either. It inspires me to live the life I want in spite of the pain and all that goes with it. 

I am not an invalid, far from, but I am also not superwoman. There is a lot I deal with daily, weekly, for years and years. I need to learn to take care of myself before I can take care of others. So that's what I wrote. I haven't gotten any feedback yet, but I'm sure I will soon.

Another flare up of pain started while we were away, so I am medicating and trying to remember self care. Sir did a seminar with other Doms and got some great ideas about how to keep our dynamic strong while I'm flaring, and I'm happy to say that the ideas have been wonderful so far. He has commanded more respect, and kept me in line better than in years. It's like he's no longer afraid to demand the service and respect that he is due. It has made my self esteem soar and made this flare up easier to deal with. 

Anyway, this has been terribly disjointed. I'm so out of practice writing. I'll try to be around more, miss it when I'm not here!

I fell off the face of the earth.

So much and so little has kept me away from blogland. Mostly it's been my health, but there have been some other things. Like the transition from Sir being gainfully employed to him working on "personal projects." Really he has a job, it's just not exactly a paying gig right now. So here we are, living off of savings, and COBRA insurance. With my health problems and my son's therapy appointments (he's high functioning ASD) we are paying out the butt for insurance that keeps us from being bankrupted by medical bills.

Personally, I've been sick for a few weeks. Either flared up in pain, or like right now, fighting of yet another cold/fever. It's getting really fucking old. I don't see my neuroopthomologist until Dec, and at that time if he can't figure out a better way to manage pain, I'm asking for a referral to the neurology group at the hospital. We'll see how it goes.

Another thing that has kept me away from here is a severe lack of kink. Like everything in life it ebbs and flows, and right now it's definitely low tide. Dynamic is in place mostly though, so I feel comfortable. We did manage to have sex a couple of days ago with a ton of orgasm control, and nipples that are still sore. Afterward I was dozing off while we were watching tv, and the sadist kept bumping me awake. Apparently sleep control is a new thing. Not that I'm complaining mind you.

I am also doing the research I need to start another blog where I will be researching and reporting on strains of marijuana, their usage, benefits and drawbacks. I also want to slowly introduce advocacy topics to encourage decriminalization and/or legalization in the rest of the country. It's my pet project and fully expect it will take me several months to get it up and running. I'm passionate about this cause, especially because it is the only thing that helps my pain during a flare up.

So that's what I've been up to. I'm going to try to catch up on everyone's blogs, but it might take me a while. Hugs to all!

Pain

So I've been either sick or in pain since basically June. I have a chronic pain condition that I've talked about before, and I had a few months over the summer that I dealt with kidney stones and the aftermath of those. So I've probably had about 2 weeks worth of really good days since June, all spread out over the months.

There has also been a huge amount of stress and transition in the last few months, and all of this has lead me to slack off here. Mostly not knowing what to wrote, or being able to write about what's going on. Still can't share a whole lot.

I'm in the middle of yet another pain flare up, and will likely be seeing a neurologist in the near future  to see if they can help with symptom control.

So all of this has me thinking. A bit tongue in cheek of course, but as a masochist why can't I find any enjoyment out of this chronic pain? LOL it's not a serious question, but damn it would be nice!

This past week I went to a couple of workshops at our local sex positive center. They classes were out on by Shay and Stefanos (http://www.stefanosandshay.com) and let me tell you, if you ever get a chance to have them teach you, take them up on it! They are not only both extremely hot, but their chemistry, dynamic, love and trust are truly amazing to witness.

I went to their predicament workshop, "It's a Trap!" and it was so much fun. It talks about playful scenes, ways to put some fun and interesting "traps" into your scenes. And then I went to their "Precipice" workshop. All about edge play. How to find your edges, both as a top and a bottom, how to push them, and what that might look like. The demonstrations were hot, intense, and made me look forward to putting that knowledge into practice.

I love that even though stress is high, and health is crappy right now, that Sir and I are finding ways to keep up our intimacy, and dynamic. It's been stronger since the workshops, and I am so thankful for that. His lead has really helped bring me through this time.

Oh! And since I haven't been able to wear my collar since it started affecting my cranial pressure, Sir bought me a new cuff from Wyred Slave. I love it so much!

That part

You know in the last entry, that part about no kink? Well, I spoke too soon. Sir and I talked last night, and I expressed the need for stress release, a beating, or sharps session, just something to take the tension away. I have been so anxious that I didn't think to ask for what I needed to ground me, to make me feel safe and taken care of. Until last night that is.
He ordered me to take a shower since I'd been neglecting my self care. When I came out he had the cane in his hand. I whimpered about how it was going to hurt because I was still wet from the shower, and he just nodded. And our evening started. A great caning where I came twice, followed by incredible sex.
Today? Today I feel like another person. I had friends over to watch football while Sir cleaned out the storage unit (he hates football.) Then there was some family time when I built Legos, my kid built some of his, and Sir played video games. Now I've had a couple of drinks, and I feel great. Calm, and at ease with the uncertainty of the future. I feel like as long as we are who we are, and our family and friends are behind us, that we'll make it through this hard time.
Hopefully this means I'll be around more. But since Sir is working two jobs until the end of the week, and then it will be push time with the new venture, I may or may not be around much. I do know that I'll try though. :)

Not feeling it

As I'm sitting here reading blogs I'm realizing that I'm still not in the right place to be posting right now. Things are in such flux that I can hardly see straight, and I'm anxious all the time. PMS isn't helping matters, and neither is this cold that is finally letting go of me, but has left me weak and fatigued.

No kink to talk about, can't talk about the big changes that are happening right now, bored to death of the 30 days of _____ challenges, so I guess I'm not feeling the blogging thing right now.

I'll try to keep up with everyone and reply when I can.

Miss it here.

xoxo

Weekend

Date night was lovely, though I discovered that I am not a fan of more than a sip or two of pumpkin beer.
I did find a very pleasing sparkling mead that I will have to search out, because I could drink that all day everyday!
Woke up this morning feeling the worst than I have all week, it like my body said "enough! You're going to rest whether you like it or not!" Fever, chills, stuffed up nose, aches. Just plain old sick. Luckily Sir is taking great care of me and our little one. I'm so thankful for him. He also makes a hell of a hot toddy!

Anyway, I have lots of rest to do this weekend. Next week is jam full of appointments and fun. We're going to a party at the local kink club on Friday that I can't wait for! It's our first event there as a couple since we joined last October, so I can not wait! Then I'll be at a convention all weekend long. Before that, I have therapy (with the best kink friendly therapist I have ever known!) and I have an appointment with a GI specialist to figure out what's going on with my tummy. All of this is good, and I can't wait. So I will force myself to listen to Sir and "concentrate on getting better."

Not a lot to say

I'm stuck here in blogger land without much to say. The 30 days of kink have bored me, but I'll get back to them soon. Probably short answer, all in one post when I do them again.

Stress has been high around here. Came home from my weekend away sick.

Thankfully dynamic is in place, wish we could get physical, but I'm getting over this stupid cold I picked up.

Tomorrow is date night so that should be nice. Maybe we'll get just liquored up not to care that I'm sick and we'll have some long over due sexy times.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Off to read every one's blogs.

xoxo

Home again, home again...

Jiggity jig!
I had a good weekend away, though it was very draining. I took two friends with me and I have never traveled with one of them, so that was a new experience. It was interesting and mostly good. But I'm so introverted that 3 people in a hotel room (2 bedroom suite) for almost 4 days was an awful lot for me. We're doing it again in December, so I hope that it's less draining then.

Saturday was the best night. We spent 9 hours in the tattoo shop all three of us getting inked and then it was off to the bar. Our usual space was packed for a special event so we went to an old hangout. It was amazing! There were old white people dancing to an all black blues band in an Irish pub and our waitress was Asian. It was a wonderful example of the diversity of my home town. I felt right at home. Also, every person sitting around the table (9 of us) was kinky and out about it. So freeing!

When I woke this morning I was ready to be at home. We had lunch with my folks and then headed out, making it home in record time.

When I got home I found my poor Sir has a cold. So it's been a quiet evening around here.

Oh, and here's a picture of the new ink...naughty fairies. (Source material is The Bondage Fairies.)

More days of Kink

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

Safe, sane, and consensual says it all.

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

In retrospect, the funniest thing that has happened to us during kink was the time we were visiting family for  Christmas and staying in a hotel. I had received a toy that I call, " the pointy shocky thing," for a present and Sir was using it on me. For so,e reason it was too much for me, so what did I do? I locked myself in the bathroom of our room. I was so screwed! I realized I hat to come out sometime, and Sir wasn't happy (obviously.) I came out and took my extra shocks and then was assigned 100 lines of  "I will not hide in the bathroom." 

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

The appeal of kink? What isn't the appeal? For real, for me, I have been a subbie type, and a masochist since I can remember. So the appeal of kink is that I get those needs met. The pain that turns me on, makes me wet... I have a hard time coming without some sort of control over me. Even if there is no pain before we actually have sex, I still have to ask for permission to come. Honestly, it is hard for me to do so without some kink involved. 

If kink isn't involved, if I don't have some sort of control when I'm having sex, the orgasm isn't as good, almost like a yawn you can't finish. Pain and control pushes me over that edge. There is so much more... I love that I have structure and routine built into our dynamic. That I don't have to feel guilty about taking care of myself is so freeing. Being a suffer of chronic pain it helps me to take care of myself, which I am no good at since I'm the "fixer" personality type. I spend so much time taking care of, and managing the care of my special needs son that I forget to take care of me. Sir makes me remember that taking care of me is important.

Leaving town

I'm leaving town again this weekend, need to decompress. These past few months have really taken a toll on me. So I'm running away from home for the weekend and will likely return with a large tattoo on my right quad. (That is if this damn cold stays away!)
Sir was kind enough to cane the hell out of my ass and thighs this morning so that as I'm making the 3 hour drive I think of him often. After the beating he gave me today, there is NO chance of that! I have the stripes to remind me, and the sore, raw skin too.
Thank you Sir.

See you all on the flip side!

Quick rant...

So I'm taking this class on the science and psychology of violence, and frankly it's passing me off. In the discussion forums for the class there are several threads on BDSM. In those discussions people are letting their ignorance flags fly! In one in particular there is an s-type who asks a question about consent and how if consent is given then there is no victim. I agree with this person obviously, but the incredible ignorance from the responders has me wanting to do some actual violence.
Talk about victim blaming, even though there is not victim... They just keep going on and on about how could he/she let someone do that to her? Was she abused and is that why she lets herself/himself (everyone assumes it is a woman who posted even though it was never said) be a victim... Blah blah blah.
I've decided to stay off the forums and just do the lectures, and reading then I'll drop the class.

Kink- days 9 & 10

Day 9: post a kink related song or music video that you enjoy.

Video for Animal
Animal by Berlin

Looking at my little dress

Does it make you wanna take me now

And grab me with emphasis

Then you're gonna have to chase me down

And you won't finish til I'm done

And you won't quit it til I'm done

And you'll never get enough

And you'll bite til you draw blood

Can you feel the animal

I feel it when you touch my body

And you know what I really want

I want my fill of you, oh oh oh

Can you feel the animal

I feel it when you touch my body

I'll leave you lying on the floor

When I've had my fill of you, oh oh oh

So kiss me when you pull my hair

I like it when you make it hurt

I don't need a little boy

If you want it then you're gonna have to work

And you won't finish til I'm done

And you won't quit it til I'm done

And you'll never get enough

And you'll bite til you draw blood

Can you feel the animal

I feel it when you touch my body

And you know what I really want

I want my fill of you, oh oh oh

Can you feel the animal

I feel it when you touch my body

I'll leave you lying on the floor

When I've had my fill of you, oh oh oh
-----
I love Terri Nunn. She is an amazing performer, and still so sexy after all these years!

Day 10: What are your hard limits?
-no children
-no animals
-no scat
-no vomit
-no inflicting our kink on people who have not consented
-no permanent bodily damage

30 days of kink- days 7&8

Day 7: What’s your favourite toy?

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

What is my favorite toy? Depends. Favorite vibe is my bullet, and my g-spot stimulator. Love them both alone or together. Favorite sharp sensory toy is either the vampire glove or the claw. My favorite impact instrument is either the cane or the single tail. I also love nipple clamps, the flogger and the yolk. (I have a lot of favorites, so hard to choose!)

Day 8 asks me to post a kinky image that I find erotic... Let's see what I can do:

Because let's face it, I can't ever choose just one. :)

Days of kink- day 5 & 6

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? 

To be perfectly honest I don't remember my first kinky sexual experience. It was with Sir when we were young, and I'm guessing it had to do with some light spanking and light bondage with silk scarves. It wasn't until college that we really started experimenting heavily in kink, and those years all run together in a hormone laced haze.

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

I wouldn't necessarily call my fantasies weird, or anything... But the fantasy that I don't tell many people about is all about a "rape" scene. 

It goes down in one of two ways, either I am "kidnapped" off the street or it's a home invasion while I'm in the shower. 

Kidnapped:  I'm walking down the street, maybe an alley to keep vanilla onlookers from panicking when a white panel van pulls up and a masked man (Sir) pulls me inside, covering my mouth so my screams are muffled.  He ties me quickly in a hog tie with either duct tape or zip ties and drives me somewhere secluded where he proceeds to have his way with me, hard, fast, painfully...over and over.

Invasion: I am in the shower when a masked man breaks in and watches me in the shower for a while. As I turn the water off I see him standing there and scream. He slaps me to shut me up. Pulling me out of the shower he throws me to the floor and straddles me, hitting me, choking me until I start to give in. He tapes my mouth shut, and holds me down while he forces me to let him fuck me. He makes me shower again, and then he does it again. This particular fantasy can end there or it could go on all night. Depending on the mood and what we have negotiated before hand.

30 days of kink, days 3 & 4

Day 3: How Did You Discover You Were Kinky?

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

I decided to do days 3&4 together since they are pretty much the same answer. I discovered I was kinky as soon as I knew there was a word for it, maybe 14-15? That was when I read The Story of O for the first time, and all of my sexual thoughts and fantasies made sense...like they were normal. I was ok. After I read that I went on a research binge, reading everything I could get my hands on. (This was before the internet! the library became a very sensual place for me.)

Early experiences? Well the earliest thing I can remember was playing house with friends and always playing the part of the "problem child" so I was getting spanked. When I'd get spanked by my parents I would laugh, one time I laughed especially hard when my mom broke 2 wooden spoons over my butt. I got sexually aroused when my friends spanked me, but never when my parents did (thank goodness, my therapy bill is large enough.) 

I also liked to "rough house" with my brother's friends...a lot. I was always the damsel in distress being tied up and waiting for my rescue, or I was the prisoner of war being interrogated by the mean enemy. Typical kid games when you grow up with brothers, not such a typical response. I always went home from a play session and masterbated.

Yeah, my kinky self got an early start.

30 days of Kink- Day 2

List your kinks:

• Submission, though this is more a way of life than strictly a kink.
• Pain. Spankings, caning, sharp sensation, single tails, floggings... Pain.
• Giving oral sex.
• Bondage
• Tit torture
• Begging
• Some humiliation play
• Some pet play
• Being collared

I could go on and on given enough time. But these are my main kinks. :)

30 days of kink- Day 1.

Define your kinky self…. Dom, sub, switch?

I am a submissive, through and through. I am also a bottom, a masochist, and I am proud of it. In the vanilla world I have a lot of responsibility, my special needs son, his schedule, his school stuff, home care, plus I live with a chronic pain condition. So when I am at home, giving up that control is freeing. When decisions are no longer my own, when I need the reminder that in His house I belong to Him I feel at peace.

When his chosen implement strikes my flesh it is a brutal, yet beautiful reminder that I am His. I melt under the pain, I feed off of it. Honestly it is almost impossible for me to get off without it anymore. 

Asking for permission to orgasm is even freeing. 

Nothing to write

Not much going on here that is worth writing about. I'm still having a major flare up of pain so I'm out of commission, no sex, no kink, nothing but self care and kid care.
We've had some pretty significant stress that I'm not comfortable going into here come into our lives lately, so that has taken what little extra energy Sir and I have. We are ok, our dynamic is ok. Everything else will be ok...eventually.
I think to get back into the writing thing, tomorrow I will start the 30 days of kink. (Thanks Brat for the idea.) I might not finish it all in 30 days, but will do my best as pain allows.

Off to read everyone's posts. Have a good weekend!

I'm back but sick

The title says it all really. I'm back from a fabulous visit to family and the beach. But on my way home on Monday is started to feel crushing fatigue and the start of a bad pressure headache. Looks like I'm having a pretty bad flare up of IH. My head hurts, my eyes and neck hurt, and I can't lay all the way down because of pressure.

Sir is being so patient with me, and has me on self care protocol. I love him for actually putting that in writing as an expectation for me. It really makes it easier to care for myself without feeling guilty. Well, at least not *as* guilty.

I'm looking forward to fall, and especially the fall weather. My head does much better when it's not as hot and the barometric pressure is lower.

I'm going to try to catch up on everyone's blogs soon. Until then, have a great rest of your week!

Out of town

Hey everyone, just a quick update to let you guys know that I'm out of town with my little visiting family, so won't be around for a few days to post. I'm trying to read and comment when I have a few minutes, but it's not easy. Hope everyone is having a fantastic weekend!

Is kink a sexual orientation?

I just read this Slate article by Jillian Keenan which poses the question, is kink a sexual orientation? She makes an excellent argument for yes. There is one thing she writes that rings particularly true for me, "For years, I identified as bisexual because I’m sexually attracted to both men and women and have acted on that attraction. But in recent years, as I explored my own sexuality more, I’ve realized that’s not quite accurate. I’m not attracted to men or women as a group—I’m attracted to “tops,” or sexually dominant people, as a group; their gender is irrelevant. Many kinky people describe similar feelings." 
Here is a link to the article, what are your thoughts? 
http://www.slate.com/blogs/outward/2014/08/18/is_kink_a_sexual_orientation.html

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped my face hard
Shoving me against the wall, I felt my breath catch
Gasping
Feeling myself give in to him.

He throws me onto the bed and forces my mouth onto his cock
I struggle to take him into my mouth
Panting
Gasping
Moaning

When he tires of my mouth he pulls me off of him
His hand finds my throat again
I struggle to breath
His grasp pushes me into the bed
As his fingers push inside of me.

It is all so fast
The pain on my chest
On my throat
Inside of me.

I ask to come
Please
Yes

He forces himself into me
I'm not quite ready
It hurts
The pleasure and pain roll over me
He fucks me.
I'm his
To use
To own

I ask again
Yes

Then it's over.

Glowing

So hard

Why is it so hard to ask for what we need?

I swear it would be easier for me to chew off my own arm than it is for me to ask Sir to beat me. Sometimes I just need the release, sometimes it's the only way I can cry, or sleep, or function. But do I just come out and ask! No! That would be too embarrassing, not submissive enough. Ugh!

Last night we had a really heavy talk, the subject isn't important, but by the end of it I felt that need well up inside me. With Robin Williams' suicide (which I took strangely hard, maybe because I also suffer from depression and I understood it so well) and everything happening in Furguson, combined with my low level depression I needed to be hit.

So what do I do? I poke at Sir, pinch him, stick my tongue out at him. What I didn't do was ask.

He finally made me say the words. He made me ask. He made me say, "Sir will you beat me?"

And he did. The giant weighted paddle warmed my ass and thighs, he didn't go as light as usual with it, so I was yelling out at once.
Then came the cane, and I don't remember much after that. I fell asleep between implements because my brain was finally quiet.

There was no sex, just the beating. He left me to relax and enjoy my quiet mind.

Today I have felt better than I have in weeks. Hopefully next time I will just ask. Especially since Sir told me that if I don't, and I try to instigate it again I'll be finding myself writing lines or holding quarters to the wall.

Home again.

Well today was back to my usual routine. I missed my guys so much, even though it was so good to get a way for a while. My tattoo is healing beautifully, and has already started itching. Sir loves it almost as much as I do, though he leaves all body modification decisions (except my lip piercing that I want) up to me. My tattoos have such an emotional connection for me, that he wants me to have complete control over them.

Unfortunately we both slept terribly last night, so there will be no playing tonight. Probably for the best, it's so damn hot here today. And the humidity is just gross!

Weekend and new tattoo

This weekend has been so healing. Tattoo work is so cleansing to my soul, the depression that has plagued me for the past month and a half has lifted for at least the time being. I'll take it.

I spent the day with a lot of my favorite people, not all, but most. It's always amazing to me how friends that I've known almost all of my life can be so far away and we can pick up like a day hasn't passed since I was with them last. We had a great time today getting tattooed together, talking, eating and drinking. It was great to catch up even though it didn't feel like catching up, more like hanging out like we saw each other yesterday.

My tattoo artist, who is my best friend's husband, is amazing. He always takes my ideas and makes them better. He doesn't do flash work, rather you give him an idea of what you're looking for and he makes a piece of art that is all yours.

I gave him two pictures of what I had in mind, a little of each, and he just seemed to know what I had visualized in my mind. It came out perfect. I wanted a filigree humming bird with his tail morphing into a flower that it was feeding from. A symbol of life, self reliance, playfulness, resilience, and an end to negativity. Seeing this piece will remind me of the things I need to remember about myself to stay positive even when I'm at my lowest. I love my life, I am resilient, playful and the negative self talk needs to end.

I got it on my left thigh because the left side of the body is the side of the heart. It is a further reminder to take all of those meanings to heart.

My thighs are a part of my body I am less proud of, but I am learning to love my body and all of its perfect imperfections. That is why I decided on my thigh. A perfect reminder that my body is beautiful no matter their size or perceived imperfections.

Here is another list that tells about the symbolism of hummingbirds:
Hummingbird Meaning

The hummingbird generally symbolizes joy and playfulness, as well as adaptability. Additional symbolic meanings are:
Lightness of being
Enjoyment of life
Being more present
Independence
Bringing playfulness and joy in your life
Lifting up negativity
Swiftness, ability to respond quickly
Resiliency, being able to travel great distances tirelessly


And here is the picture. I am in love with this piece. #21 is perfect!

Getting Away

I'm sitting here watching cartoons with my kid, and counting down the minutes to Friday. I'm taking a short weekend away to go see some friends in my hometown, and get some ink. The time between now and when I get onto the freeway couldn't go fast enough.

Tattooing is incredibly healing for me. The pain is a release of stress and emotion, and I'm so lucky to have an artist who understands that and creates a safe environment for those feelings to flow. I need it so much right now.

My submission seems to be finding the rails again, slowly but surely. Now that I have my rules and protocol documents where I can read them daily, I feel like I have more direction. More than that, I don't feel like self care is taking away from my submission but rather adding to it. I am to take good care of Sir's prized possession.

On that self care list is periodic time away. This weekend will refresh me, and help center me. I can not wait!

Sir and I stayed up talking into the wee hours last night, and it started rough. He questioned me about how I was doing, about my latest depression, that he is worried about me. Then I got defensive and said, "you should at least tie me up if you're going to interrogate me, so then at least it would be kinky."

Well that went over about as well as you might imagine. No, I didn't get tied up. Instead I got put into lecture posture, sitting straight, feet flat on the floor, hands resting to my sides, chin parallel to the floor. Then I was lectured about how I am to remember to speak to Sir with respect at all times, that my mood may not affect that.

He's right, and if I'm honest with myself, this behavior just makes me feel worse. My submission has been floundering for a while now, and I'm not sure how to get it back on track. When I am struggling like this, I need more structure than ever, but we are so busy with things that have nothing to do with us that the structure has crumbled a bit. It's a conversation we need to have, but I'm not sure I can have it without being defensive and accusatory and basically disrespectful.

This subbie needs to find her big girl panties and just do better.

"I understand."

So the past five or six days I've been too unwell to do much more than care for our son and the house. I've managed to have dinner either cooked or very nearly done by the time Sir came home from work each night this week, but by kiddo's bedtime I am exhausted and really uncomfortable.

Last month I had surgery to break up some kidney stones, but they haven't passed. One piece of gravel and one time grain of sand is all. So I'm pretty sure when I have my follow up in 2.5 weeks I'll be told the stones are still in there and I'll need another surgery. Or even worse, I'll pass the large stone before then.

So basically, I haven't been well enough to service Sir sexually in about a week, and I feel awful. He is always so patient when one of my health conditions flare up, but it makes me feel like I'm not doing my job. Like I should be able to buck up and take care of him like I am meant to.

Tonight he was getting a handle for a new implement that we bought on Our Saturday night date, but have been unable to try out yet. It's kind of a hard foam(?) baton. It packed quite a thuddy wallop on my calf when he picked it out. Anyway, I asked him if he would mind giving me a few quick whacks with it, I was curious what it would feel like.

Sir agreed, so I took my place on the bed, face down, bare ass up. He smacked me several times with the new toy, and it was... Interesting. I really liked it, but the sensation was so unlike anything we have used before. It was almost like a cross between a deerskin flogger and a cane. A very thuddy cane I suppose. It was heavy and warm, but with the hint of the cold bite of a cane.

After several strokes he wandered into the closet, where we keep the impact toys, and came out with the cane. I said, "wait..." but bit off in mid sentence. Sir asked me what I was going to say, and so I told him. "I was going to say, wait, I didn't ask for that. But it doesn't really matter what I asked for does it?" He chuckled and replied with a quick "nope"just as the first cane strike hit me. It felt wonderful. That icy hot pain.

I am proud that I managed to remain relatively quiet since the windows of our master bath were open, didn't want the neighbors calling the police or anything.

When Sir was finished with my caning, he rubbed my sore bottom and I apologized again for not being up to more. He said, "there is no need to be sorry, but I understand why you feel like you need to say it." That sentence spoke volumes to me about how much Sir cares for me. That he understands that I have limits sometimes and they aren't by choice, but by circumstance.

Ugh

Someday, hopefully really soon, I'll be well enough again to get laid! I miss the feeling of His cane across my ass and thighs. I desperately want to feel the prickle of the pinwheel across my skin (BTW Paul Scott makes the best sensation toys ever!) to feel his whip crack across my shoulders.

Instead I'm on self care protocol until I'm feeling myself, which I need but don't want. I was honest though, I am too exhausted to be an effective sub/bottom tonight. (Or any night for the past few days.)

Bestie Date Night

Last night was a ton of fun, but it also showed me what an incredible introvert I really am. I went to dinner and then to see Book of Mormon (hilarious by the way) with one of my best friends, her husband, and two other couples. So I was the 7th wheel?

Everyone was really kind, and inclusive, I really appreciated how how everyone tried to include me in the conversation at dinner. I was not so good at joining however, I'm not only an introvert, I'm shy as well. I'm also terrible at small talk.

The food was delicious, though it was difficult to find something on the menu for me to eat. I have several dietary restrictions, and I've grown up thinking I don't like fish. The restaurant was a fish restaurant. One of the other couples apologized, saying they didn't know that I didn't eat fish. It was a sweet thought, but really, choosing a restaurant for seven people you're bound to have someone who isn't thrilled with the menu. I did however, taste my friend's black bass and I think I may have been cheating myself all these years, because it was amazing!

After dinner we went to the show, and I laughed so hard I was sorry I wasn't wearing adult diapers! I have decided to buy a season pass to the theater group so I can enjoy 5 more musicals over the next year.

By the time I got home I was so tired I could hardly keep my eyes open. Sir thought I was mad at him because I was  a bit snippy, but it was just because all I could think about was laying down. I did my piercing aftercare and went up to bed, no night time snack (which is super unusual for me) and just enjoyed the quiet.

It dawned on me this morning that the reason I was so exhausted was because being around so many people drained me. Especially people I didn't know well. I am a true introvert, through and through. I am happy to be by myself for days and days, it is recharging to me.

Date night

Date night was a screaming success. Sir and I had dinner, got pierced at our favorite piercing studio, and then had drinks and great conversation. The only down side was that my lobes weren't quite ready to stretch to 0g yet. I'm looking at another 2-3 months before I can stretch safely. Oh well, that's why I chose to let a professional do most of my stretches.

Now I'm super drunk, and hoping that any typos were caught. If not, sorry. Jameson has taken me over. :)

The conch is new, everything else is old news. :)

Lessons

Sometimes I'm a slow learner. Like years and years slow.

I was reminded of two lessons last night. First, do not cover myself and try to take the tiny flogger from Sir, even if I can't stand the sensation of my nipples and breast being rapidly smacked with it over and over anymore. Best to suck it up buttercup, because it only means that I will have to endure it longer and harder. Second, do not run away from the "pointy shocky thing." Sir will be very cross and I will end up having to lay perfectly still while he decided how many, if any shocks I am to receive.

The "pointy shocky thing" also taught me a new lesson. That, like grief, for me there are five stages of submission. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Well, in very specific circumstances anyway.
The moment Sir brings that toy out I start saying, "no, no, no" getting louder each time. Now for me, bargaining comes next, "but I'm a good girl, I promise to be better, please?"
SHOCK!
"Ouchie!"
Then I get angry, I growl and hiss.
SHOCK!
"Ow son of a bitch!"
SHOCK
The next step I'll call disobedience instead of depression. This is usually where I move and contort my body in any way to get away. I even locked myself in the bathroom once, NOT A GOOD IDEA. Did you know that if you do that, you actually have to come out at some point, and that's never good.
That's when I hear, "get back here. Lay down, don't move."
I lay down next to Sir where he tells me to be "absolutely still," his voice calm but extremely firm.
I keep myself as still as I'm able, waiting for the inevitable shock, or shocks that I know I'm about to get for defiance. Sir runs the "pointy shocky thing" over my skin, pulls it back, and goes in for the shock. It doesn't come. "Good Girl." He puts the toy away, and I relax. Whew!

Pet Peeve

I have a huge pet peeve that has been poked at a lot in the past few days. My peeve? The assumption/assertion that people, especially submissive women, in the BDSM community are some how broken. That masochism, and/or submission are somehow caused by mental illness on their part.
It really got on my nerves when I sat down to watch Secretary last night. Ok, so it is 15 years old, and times and views have changed a bit since then, but the backstory of the female Lee being mentally ill before discovering her submissive/masochist side just makes me want to scream! Why are we always portrayed as needing saved? Or mentally ill? Or abused? You get what I'm saying, right?

Today on the Official Laci Green Facebook page had a status that read, "omg i cant wait until Fifty Shades of Grey comes out & spreads wildly inaccurate info about BDSM to millions of teens!!!!!!!!!!!!" Which I totally agree with, but it was the comments that made me so angry. So many of them were the same old shit, "why would anyone let a man do that to them? Are they so broken? Mentally ill?" Etc. I have to admit that I joined in the discussion replying to the misinformed people until I remembered that arguing with people in a comment thread is a losing war. 

A small note about 50 Shades, all I know about the books is what I've heard from both vanilla friends and friends in the community. I tried reading the first book but couldn't get past the first two chapters because of the amazingly terrible writing. So other than what I've heard about how it is a poor example of a healthy BDSM relationship, I can't offer an opinion.

I have been on public protocol all day, and will continue to be until Wednesday night. We decided to take our son on a trip to an indoor water park and we are sharing a hotel room with him. Boo! Kind of wish these "suites" actually had a bedroom with a door on them.

Anyway, we were given a pair of "costume ears" at check in, you know, the kind on a headband? Well my son didn't want them, so I decided to wear them. And I have been strangely turned on by them all day. It's weird since I've only ever been into light pet play, but I think I could get more into it. I like the soft and soothing demeanor Sir has with me durning pet play, but I can see how he's still be stern in his training. The thought is a turn on. 

Sitting on our bed after our son was asleep, Sir pet my head lovingly and I almost fell asleep. I am starting to see the allure to things like the ears that are controlled by brain waves and now I desperately want them. 

Anyway, have a great week everyone!

Date night and body mods.

A week from today is date night, and I'm so excited! We've decided to visit our local piercing shop and get some new holes put in our bodies. Sir has decided to get his lobes done, he's probably going to do 10g to start so that stretching goes fast once they're healed.

I am going to get my lobes stretched from 2g to 0g, and something else but I'm having trouble deciding. I REALLY want a microdermal on my chest, just below my throat. But I may also go with an 8g or 10g conch. I just can't make up my mind. I wanted to get "spider bites" but Sir said no since it would put my mouth out of commission for at least 4-6 weeks.

Decisions, decisions... I'm open to opinions and/or suggestions. :)

While we're at the shop we'll be asking if they know of anyone local, or at least in the state that does magnetic finger implants since we both really want one.
Here's some info on them: Magnetic Finger Implants

Today in order to take a bit of a break from all the depressing writing I've been doing, I decided to choose one of the Submissive Journal Prompts from Submissiveguide.com.
Here is the prompt I chose for today:

If SM is a part of your dynamic explain how pain works for you. Is it a sexual turn on, a healing release, a spiritual moment, a session of giving?

Short answer, yes. But that doesn't make for an interesting read does it?

I identify as a masochist, pain is a vital part of my life. Not only sexually, but mentally, and spiritually as well. It is also a gift that I give to Sir since he is an evil, mean, scary sadist. When I get "the look" from him I not only feel a twinge of panic, but I also feel instantly wet, and my nerves calm.

I have never been the soft kisses and gentle embraces kind of person. The quickest way to get me into the mood is to cause me pain, grab my hair, slap my face, grasp me by the throat and push me up against the wall. Any of those will take my breath away and I am instantly ready to accommodate Sir in any way he wants. So I would say that SM is a vital part of my sexual life. I can have sex without pain, and even though I orgasm I am left feeling incomplete. Like when you can't finish your yawn.

Pain as a healing release? Oh my yes! Nothing is quite as freeing as a great beating or an intense sensation play scene. For my entire life I have kept my emotions locked inside, not because I was told I had to, but because that's just who I am at my core. I do not tolerate weakness in myself, I do not ever admit weakness to others, so giving up control of what happens to my body is incredibly freeing.  Add pain to that and I come out of a scene relaxed, unstressed and ready to face the next challenge. It is especially healing when I am stuck in a depressive cycle, it gives me the ability to cry, to scream, to feel. The pain of an intense caning, or whatever also gives me a chance to celebrate what my body can handle. Being a person with chronic illness I spend a lot of time thinking of how my body is failing and falling apart. An intense scene where my limits are stretched, where I am pushed up and sometimes past them is an example of what my body can do, what my mind can tolerate, how strong I really am. It is incredibly healing to me.

As far as spiritually? Well I am a spiritual person, and everything I do in my life celebrates that so yes, SM is a spiritual exercise for me as well. It enhances the bond between Sir and I, we get closer with every scene, our marriage is strengthened by the trust that we put into each other.

Finally, yes I do feel as though my masochism is a gift that I give to Sir, as is my submission. Though he'd be the first to tell you how much I hate that idea, it is true. I have always viewed his dominance and his sadism as a gift to me, but shied away from the idea that what I do for him was a gift. I'm not sure why that is. But sometime around last Christmas he told me that our SM and D/s is a give that we give to each other. I remind myself of that each day. We meet each other's needs, his to dominate and to cause pain, and mine to serve and to be hurt. A match made in heaven.

Depression Lies

So if you read my last (first) post you probably know that I have been struggling lately. I have been bitten by the depression bug following two months of increased problems with my health and issues with my son.

You see, I have a chronic condition that causes chronic pain. It's called Idiopathic Intercranial Hypertension. It used to be caused pseudotumor ceribri because the symptoms mimic a brain tumor. But basically what it means is that my body produces too much cerebral spinal fluid, and that in turn puts pressure on my brain and optic nerves. I'm not writing about this to get sympathy or anything. I was diagnosed two and a half years ago, it's just part of my life. I bring it up to give a little bit of history, or insight into things that affect my dynamic with Sir.

In the last 5 weeks I have had two surgeries because of kidney stones. The cause of the kidney stones? The medication I take to control my IIH. Go figure.

Of course now I'm dealing with the aftermath of the shit storm that Was June, and it's caused me to fall into depression.

Depression lies. It tells me that I'm worthless, ugly, that Sir only pretends to want to be in this dynamic because he's trying to please me. That he gets nothing out of it, that I'm selfish for asking. Depression makes me question my submission. Am I submissive enough? Am I a disappointment to Sir?

Because of this, I struggle in my submission, to be respectful, to do what is expected of me. And do you know what Sir does? He loves me. He punishes me when I misstep (holy cow clothes pins on my tongue hurt! Must remember not to be so damn sassy!) Sir beats me, scratches me, bites me, helps me release some of the pent of emotion that I can't get out any other way.

Even though depression lies, there is one lie I will never believe. I will never believe the one that tells me that he doesn't love me. Instead I choose to believe that he will always love me and nothing can ever change that.

Something's in the Air

I know a lot of people who have been struggling emotionally lately, there must be something in the air. Public proclamations of mental health struggles, physical and family struggles are all over my social media right now.

Instead of joining the ranks of my friends on FB and twitter I have stayed silent. I have offered my support to friends, but haven’t mentioned my own struggles.

I am also in a dark place right now. But I feel as though I can't share it with FB friends because I feel like I’m jumping on the bandwagon. Like because my recent struggles are very likely situational, that I don’t deserve to whine about it. About how tired I am, how sad I feel, about how getting out of bed is a struggle that I only overcome because of my sense of obligation to my son and family. I don’t mention that being with my friends who I love dearly is hard for me, because I feel as though I need to be positive, and smiling, and entertaining. That I can’t figure out a way to exist with my physical pain, my son’s struggles, my husband’s joy. I can’t put out there that the best way for me to deal with these struggles is to experience physical pain, that the sensation of my skin being scraped and torn by the claw, or the release of control when I feel the cane strike is the only grounding I have right now. I feel no one would understand, or worse yet think that I have no reason to feel this way. That I should get over it.

I can clearly see how lucky I am to have friends, and family who are amazing and who love me. I can clearly see that things could be so much worse. But I am still sad.

Who am I to complain though? Must just be something in the air.